Friday, May 1, 2009

The Son Also Rises Pt. 3

(Continued from The Son Also Rises Pt. 2)

April 5, 2009

Mommie Dearest aka Darth Vader,

George and I are ever so appreciative of the delightful truck load of 'trinkets' you provided to young Master Ethan on this of all days, Cinco De Mayo. I'm certain his comrades at school will
be spitting mad when they see that Ethan has the ENTIRE line of Star Wars Lego Toys. Gracious, I feel as though I could take on that pesky rebellion myself what with the Death Star, Battle Cruiser, and General Grievous Lego sets, not to mention the Landspeeder bedroom set,
Luke Skywalker costume, light sabers, and Han Solo 'Carbonite' sculpture! (It was the devil to mount on the wall having been cast in solid bronze and all - but so worth it!)

As I write, my husband George 'Obi-Wan Kenobi' Abrams is painfully hunched over the 'battle plans' for the Death Star, his reading glasses perched precariously on his nose as he sorts through the half-million individual, made-in-China, plastic pieces that make up the body of the Empire's ultimate weapon. What fun! As you know, I lack the patience, talent and inclination to assist in assembling such things. I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with the endless Martinis, bottles of wine, cigarettes, 'dolls' and nameless hormones ingested while you were pregnant with me. (It was the fun-loving 60's after all, and common sense went right out the window with Eisenhower)

Anybirthdefect, Ethan is basking in the glow of his AMEX 'Black Card' purchased bribes and like the Star Wars evil Emperor has decided to place me under house arrest again. He's threatening to have me executed for some ridiculously minor infraction this time. Apparently my 'offense' against the Ethan Empire is 'unauthorized fraternization' with an alien life form with an intent to abandon my assigned post. (Yes, I had been flirting outrageously with Ethan's cute, young gymnastics coach and had become dazzled by his snow white grin and washboard abs. Further, I did fail to notice on the car ride home that my child wasn't in the car. But let's be honest, it could happen to anyone! ) I tried to bargain with the Emperor to spare my life, but he's in one of his tiresome, spare-the-rod-spoil-the-child moods again. It doesn't look good.

In closing, Obi-Wan and I did want to express our most gracious thanks for your shameless attempt to buy our child's love. You will be gratified to know that your feeble attempts to assuage your parental guilt through the purchase of poorly-made crap pleased the Emperor immensely. Further, he has signed my death warrant with the same pen I use to write this 'thank you.' (He scribbled on a piece of construction paper - "Daddi Dyes Tomarow") As tomorrow is gymnastics, I can only hope that the Emperor finds it in his heart to postpone the execution until after I've had a chance to watch a shirtless, Coach Bobby work the pummel horse.


Princess Leia Organa

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