(Continued from Games People Play Pt 3)
The Great Escape
A play that ends as quickly as possible.
By Tod Abrams
CHARACTERS
JUDY B.
A faded beauty, 'B' movie actress whose real-life
claim to fame is having been killed by Vincent Price
in the 1950's cult film BUCKET OF BLOOD. Her outward
appearance of quaint daffiness,masks an unquenchable,
homicidal desire to keep the
limelight firmly fixed on her. Late 60s.
GEORGE SR.
Former actor-turned-science-fiction-writer-turned-farmer
whose burgeoning Avocado empire is making profits fat
and his customers fatter. 70's.
GAYLE
Indulgent, steadfast wife to George - her training
as a nurse comes in handy as her
mangled line readings can cause seizures. 60's.
AUNT JEAN
A 'kindly' old lady whose powers of upstaging
should NEVER be underestimated. 80's
CHRIS
A gifted 'farmer' like his father, his dime bag
'bounty' cannot blunt the harmful effects
of pure, unrefined narcissism. 20's.
TOD
Self-absorbed, cowardly guest with an inability to
defer to the floor to anyone. Mid 40's - but has
remained eerily young thanks to a limitless supply
of Rejuvaderm.
A faded beauty, 'B' movie actress whose real-life
claim to fame is having been killed by Vincent Price
in the 1950's cult film BUCKET OF BLOOD. Her outward
appearance of quaint daffiness,masks an unquenchable,
homicidal desire to keep the
limelight firmly fixed on her. Late 60s.
GEORGE SR.
Former actor-turned-science-fiction-writer-turned-farmer
whose burgeoning Avocado empire is making profits fat
and his customers fatter. 70's.
GAYLE
Indulgent, steadfast wife to George - her training
as a nurse comes in handy as her
mangled line readings can cause seizures. 60's.
AUNT JEAN
A 'kindly' old lady whose powers of upstaging
should NEVER be underestimated. 80's
CHRIS
A gifted 'farmer' like his father, his dime bag
'bounty' cannot blunt the harmful effects
of pure, unrefined narcissism. 20's.
TOD
Self-absorbed, cowardly guest with an inability to
defer to the floor to anyone. Mid 40's - but has
remained eerily young thanks to a limitless supply
of Rejuvaderm.
SETTING
An ordinary San Diego tract house that has been 'transformed'
from a common stucco box, into a nightmarish 'Spanish-inspired' hacienda. The decor is a mishmash of 1980's Santa Fe dreck infused
with a touch of Cape Cod creepiness. Through the plate glass windows
we can see the dense foliage that ominously abuts the house - either the residents will be torn apart by rabid coyotes or will be burned
to death by an exploding Crystal Meth lab that is invariably within walking distance of such San Diego homes.
TIME
Christmas day - year after year after year.
An ordinary San Diego tract house that has been 'transformed'
from a common stucco box, into a nightmarish 'Spanish-inspired' hacienda. The decor is a mishmash of 1980's Santa Fe dreck infused
with a touch of Cape Cod creepiness. Through the plate glass windows
we can see the dense foliage that ominously abuts the house - either the residents will be torn apart by rabid coyotes or will be burned
to death by an exploding Crystal Meth lab that is invariably within walking distance of such San Diego homes.
TIME
Christmas day - year after year after year.
QUOTE
Happiness is having a large,
loving, caring, close-knit
family in another city.
-- George Burns
Act one, Scene One
GEORGE, SR.
Gather round, gather round we have a
special surprise for you!
That's right, take a seat as the real entertainment
is about to begin. Aunt Jean are you comfortable?
Good! Everyone have their 'COCK'tails and HIGH BALLS -
hey you, Tod 'fancy pants' you got
your 'COCK'tails and HIGH BALLS?(The crowd twitters at this bit of naughtiness)
TOD
(To the audience) Kill me, kill me now.
GEORGE SR.
Ok, settle down, settle down. I know that you've all been
waiting for the day's real fun to begin and I promise
not to disappoint you. My thoughtful wife has yet again
outdone herself by thinking up a new Christmas
tradition. Honey, stand up and take a bow, you deserve
it!GAYLE
De Nada, Senor!
GEORGE SR.
Pretty as a picture folks, I'm tellin' you! Well without
further ado,I have the supreme pleasure of introducing
you to one of America's most important actresses, a
national treasure who despite her innate poise, perfect
diction and strong resemblance to her fantastic looking
older brother,yours truly,has agreed to lead us in a
thrilling reading of
every Christmas card we've ever received -
I give you the incomparable
Judy B!(The crowd politely claps as JUDY B grabs the MR. MICROPHONE)
JUDY B
Oh George, you can't be serious! ALL THESE CARDS?!
Why we could be here for days!
Better get me my reading
glasses and some more of that Christmas hooch
- this could take awhile! All right, this card here is
from Aunt Hildawho lives in Maryland with
her 2nd husband Eddie. They have
two children named Larry and Sarah. They used to
have the cutest dog named Laila or Lady - poor dog
was hit by a car several years ago.
Poor Hilda never
got over it...such a sin.
Anyway, Hilda and Eddy sent this card
6 years ago right
after Eddy's colostomy bag was installed.
God, don't they both look so happy?!
'May this day that comes but once each year
fill your loving hearts with hope and cheer.
Let's pray your Christmas wishes
are granted in all due haste
for the doctor tells us we've not time to waste.
Death may be impatiently pounding at our door,
and our medical bills may leave us profoundly poor,
but we still send you our holiday best
praying that unlike us
the Lord decides not your faith to test.'(The guests are convulsing in laughter as JUDY B
takes a healthy swig of her 'holiday hooch'
and takes up another card to read to the crowd.
Tod uncomfortably squirms in his chair
- he gives a knowing wink to the audience and then
suddenly clutches his head as if he's suffered
an aneurysm)(To Be Continued)
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