Saturday, July 4, 2009

Death Doesn't Become Her Pt. 3 - Requim

(Continued from Death Doesn't Become Her Pt. 2)

From the Desk of Emily Post

Darling Tod,

I was so sorry to hear of your loss. Losing one’s domestic staff due to a death or disability can be so frustrating! Why only last week I found myself having to do my own laundry as our housekeeper carelessly sliced her hand open shucking the tasty Skookum oysters I particularly enjoy. The little so-and-so required a mere 56 stitches and actually had the gumption to request the rest of the week off. (Ridiculous! Whatever happened to personal responsibility? It’s not like I cut her hand!) Not only could I not operate the darned washing machine, it took me nearly two hours just to find it. Thank goodness I thought to ask our chauffeur where the washing appliances might be found. He directed me to small, windowless room somewhere in the sub-basement of our estate’s main house. I found myself so traumatized by the experience, that I have decided to keep buying new, unsoiled clothes until a suitable, more dexterous housekeeper can be found. Keep your fingers crossed! In any case, I’ve taken the liberty of making some changes to the eulogy for your nanny’s recently deceased mother. (See my red lined notes below)

In any case, buena suerte, sweetie! LOL!


Emily Post

(First Pass)

Hola Amigos - Habla Gringo?

(Try to think of something less banal and ‘obvious’ here - At a funeral it's always best to lead off with something really unique!)

My name is Tod Abrams and I can't tell you what an unpleasant shock (honor or 'thrill' - less bitchy) to be asked to give the 'keynote' eulogy for the recently departed Estella Theresa Agalia Immaculata Conception Hernandez-Rodriguez. As Estella was a complete and utter stranger to me, (proud, independent, self-possessed lady) our hateful (kindly) nanny Maria, in lieu of filing a stress-based disability claim with our insurance agent, blackmailed (graciously persuaded) me into drafting a final farewell for her nondescript (delightful) mother, Estella. Apparently, Maria connived (had the presence of mind) to digitally record my latest cell phone temper tantrum, and threatened to not only take it to her power-to-the-people, side-of-the-bus advertising lawyer, but further threatened to release the recording to her tech-savvy, sound engineer son who would promptly remix my diatribe into a power dance track repugnantly titled “Bitchy Queen Goes Crazy” and release it to YouTube and iTunes without my consent! Oh the injustice of it all!

My dear friends, it mattered not that Maria had spent weeks updating me on her mother’s deteriorating condition. On that particular day, I could swear that Maria said “Mr. Tod…my mother is much better.” as opposed to “Mr. Tod…death has come to get her.” as she and her barracuda attorney allege. (I must admit, it was a little difficult to understand her as she was in tears at the time. Silly me, I thought they were tears of joy!)
Believe me when I tell you, I had important, non-cancellable plans! Even you kindly, simple people must understand how difficult it is to get a decent reservation at Osteria Mozza! The Burrata, Bocconcini, Strachiatella are simply divine - Brad, Angelina, Tom, Katie, the Olsen Twins, Carrot Top – ALL THE BEST PEOPLE have had the pleasure of dining there.

(Consider ‘spicing up’ this list with Megan Fox, Sacha Baron Cohen, and Audrina Partridge – Tom and Katie are SO last year!)

Yes, all the best people, except the richest and most entitled person in this room – ME!

Surely you can understand my extreme displeasure when instead of feasting on Francobolli di brasato al Pomodoro or Crisp Duck al Mattone with pear mostarda & brussel sprouts,

(Yum! Their menu sounds fabulous – do you know if their pasta is vegan?)

I was reduced to splitting a year-old, frozen veggie burger with my traitorous six-year-old son who has subsequently threatened to file charges with the state prosecutor were I to even consider firing, the ungrateful, draft-dodging, M.I.A Maria!

(Hmmm… a lot of background here – simplify, simplify, simplify! “Estella had a full and bountiful life, in addition to a loving and ‘enterprising’ family. My son, my husband and I are far richer than all of you… for having known her.” - Clever play on words, n’est-ce- pas?)

While it is sad that we must lay the little-known, seldom heard Estella to rest, it is even sadder that as a condition of my ‘agreement’ with Maria’s legal representation, I must continue to keep her gainfully employed. As I bid a fond ‘Via Con Dios’ to Estella as she makes her ascent to heaven – I am financially and legally ‘humbled’ descending back into nanny hell.


(Darling, this ending is a bit of a downer – it may be a eulogy, but let’s try to be a little more perky and upbeat! How about…”Estella may be gone, but she is hardly forgotten – her indelible spirit lives on in her daughter Maria whose vice-like, determined ‘hold’ on our family will be felt for years to come!”)

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